Story refinement attempt 1

So as intended, I have decided to use story number three as it probably is the most solid, and with a tad of refining could be more than, what at the moment seems to be, an excerpt from a larger story.
So, any feedback on this would be appreciated, as there is nothing more satisfying than a water tight storyline to work off of when it comes time to start creating gag reels, still frames and the likes.




the first shot is a standard mid range shot of a fairly overcast day, focused on the outside of what appears to be a vibrant pet shop.

as if looking from inside the shop toward the street through the window, a lurch, grim character is seen to peer in, look up and move on

the shot is suddenly changed to two children on a see saw, in a well constructed but empty park on an empty street.

the grim man is seen to take a seat in the backdrop of the above shot

the children begin to slow down their ''see sawing'' and dialogue humorously about the ''peedo'' on the park bench''

the grim character slowly approaches, head up and fully confident

he begins a dialogue with one boy about coming with him, and appears to completely ignore the other one

in mid conversation, even with the conversation still able to be heard, a shot of the before mentioned pet shop is shown from a distance yet quickly zooms in

through looking in the window only, every animal inside is seen laying on their back- dead
(all of this while the conversation between the boy and the undertaker can still be heard)

the undertaker clearly grows weary of the boys arguing and touches him on the shoulder

the boy gets off the see saw and holds the undertakers hand (in a father-son way) (in a trance like state)

an aerial shot of the whole block is shown as the desolate area becomes apparent and you can still see small figures of the grim character and the small boy walking off into the dusk.
(the other boy is seen on the see saw still in awe)





Fairly self explanatory, however there is one part I'm still stuck on: the actual convincing of the boy to go with him. I have him touching his shoulder here, but I'm wondering does anyone have any better ideas? Feel free to tamper as much as needed.